Friday, March 12, 2010
“He’ll be good for you,” Darren said, squeezing my hand lightly in his.
“Don’t...” I replied. “I don’t want him. I want you.”
Darren sighed. “I want you to be taken care of. Bill will be a good provider. Promise me...promise...”
The words rang in my ears over and over as Bill grunted above me. He was nearing his climax and I could only feel numbness. And this was our wedding night. Bill cried out in ecstasy and when he finished, rolled off me and put his arms around my waist, breathing his warm sighs onto my neck.
“Was it good, baby?”
“Yes,” I lied. Darren was right. Bill was a good provider, but he would never be the great lover that Darren had been. Darren died three years ago, and I still grieved for him. Silently...but I mourned him, nevertheless.
I reached over and turned off the light.
Bill fell asleep quickly, our bodies meshed together as we lay on our sides, our knees bent, our legs intertwined. ‘This, at least,' I thought, 'is familiar.'
Later that night, Bill woke me up for sex again. Looking at him in the dark, he looked so much like Darren, with his curly hair and strong jawline. I fantasized that he was Darren and felt the first stirrings of passion since Bill and I had become lovers.
“Oh, baby...” Bill sighed.
I put my finger to his lips. “Shhhh...”
“Do you want me to turn on the light?” he asked, pausing in our lovemaking.
“No,” I murmured. I thrust my pelvis up and he began moving again, rocking into me with increasing motion.
“Oh, Darren!” I cried as I orgasmed, realizing my mistake too late.
Bill never said anything about my error that night. He has never mentioned it at all, though, I felt him wince when I said Darren’s name, so I know I hurt him deeply.
I think I fell in love with him then.
But I know his love for me is not as strong as it was before that dreadful slip. Still, Bill is loyal to me and is a wonderful, caring husband. And even though now I call out his name in the throes of our passion, he remains quiet.
His silence is the sad price paid for my comfort.